


Of past wounds and present demons

by rawwrrr (ladyYellow)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mentioned Kim Jongdae | Chen, Mentioned Zhang Yi Xing | Lay, Past Abuse, Past Kim Jongdae | Chen/Lu Han
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 03:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15765879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyYellow/pseuds/rawwrrr
Summary: I feel tormented by my demons at nights. When I'm alone. When our calls finish. When all that left is that ringing in my ears because I can't fucking stop, stop, stop. Stop my own doubts, my own worries, my own fears.orThe one where LuHan wonders if Sehun somehow is going to turn into hisa**holeex-boyfriend Jongdae.





	Of past wounds and present demons

**Author's Note:**

> It suited HunHan.  
> I hope you like it~

LuHan tries so hard to muffle his sobs. He is really trying to be quiet, he doesn’t want his flatmate to worry about him _._ He’s trying so hard not to wake up Yixing, who’s sleeping in the next room.  He just doesn’t really knows if he’s being that quiet. He’s glad Yixing is almost _dead_ when he’s asleep, when he can’t stop crying and whining.

_It hurts, you know? I always think of how I should stop it, but I can't._

LuHan is really trying to breathe, but he feels like he's choking with the air.

_Nights like these, after we argue, I feel the past crashing hard against me._

 

Back when he was in high school, he used to date Jongdae. He used to think he was good for him.

At first, everything was just perfect.

LuHan always was a lonely child. He didn’t really had friends. Just a few. He didn’t really had a boyfriend _(can you blame him, though?_ His old town was a very old-school town. He being gay was just out of question). Jongdae gave him what he needed at that time. Someone who would listen to him no matter what stupid was whatever LuHan said. Someone to be with, someone to share moments together. Someone who gave him the attention he always craved for. Someone who made him feel loved.

After a few months, Jongdae changed.

It started gradually. Whenever he was laughing at something, Jongdae would frown. _Grow up already, ge._ _Stop being a child._ Then he started to being jealous, possessive, _controlling._ He would always call him things to make him feel less, and LuHan would cry. _Don't cry, ge. You’ll make them believe I’m not treating you well._ He would always tell him that he wasn’t being adult enough, even when Jongdae was younger by him for two years and LuHan was only nineteen. _Man up already, ge._

Then, LuHan was always being left behind. He didn't even noticed when it happened. If he wanted kisses or cuddles, he wouldn’t get them. _You're annoying. I don't have time for that._ Jongdae made him feel unimportant. _Nobody has time for whatever you're feeling, ge. Shut up._ Whenever they fought, he actually made him believe everything was his fault. _What are you waiting for? Apologise already. It's all your fault._

LuHan doesn’t quite understand how he managed to leave Jongdae in the end. They were the longest five years of his life.

It took him time to actually pick up his pieces to join them again. To learn again who he was, what he left behind during those five years.

Then he met Sehun.

 

Sehun is the most gorgeous and handsome boy he could ever had the pleasure to meet. He was just this lucky that Sehun liked him too. _Him._

LuHan had to be honest with him since the beginning. He just told him everything. How he was shy and introverted when he was younger. How was everything back in Beijing, when he struggled with being different from everyone. He told him about the time when he used to wear only black and he was a ‘punk’. How he had a lip piercing but he doesn’t have it anymore. How he dealt with depression and how he tried to take his life once. He told him about the scars in his thighs and wrists.

Most importantly, he told him his whole story with Jongdae. How much he suffered by his side. How he never left because he was _fucking_ terrified of what he could do. He told him everything Jongdae did to him. Forbidding him to wear whatever he wanted (no more shorts, no more sleeveless shirts), having his hair short because otherwise he looked like a girl, how Jongdae caused him anorexia because he always told him he looked fat, how slowly he molded the way he talked to him because he always seemed to get angry at whatever he said.

LuHan also told him how Jongdae forced him to have sex. How he was his first time but it was _disappointing._ It hurt and Jongdae was just focused on his own pleasure.

Jongdae never took care of making LuHan feel pleasure too. How he never lasted enough. He always seemed to be horny but somehow, whatever LuHan did was never enough. LuHan never got to experience a proper orgasm. All LuHan wanted to do after they finished was always to fall asleep, but Jongdae always had the _weirdest_ conversation topics.

Sehun didn’t care about LuHan’s past.

He told him the first time he saw it, he recognised something in him. _You looked gorgeous even when you were broken, ge._

Sehun promised he will never hurt him. He vowed to always make LuHan happy, to never make him cry. To heal all of his wounds tenderly, taking care of him, loving him right. _Not all of us are like your ex, gege. I’m not that kind of asshole_.

LuHan believed him.

 

Sehun stays true to his promise.

He always tries to make Luhan laugh. He sends him funny pictures. He brings him chocolates (because Sehun knows he just loves them so much). He takes him to the movies to watch dramas (even if Sehun isn’t really a fan). Sehun loves to see LuHan eating and he celebrates with him whenever he gains a bit of weight. He encourages LuHan to dress more daring _(that skinny jeans would look awesome in you, Lu-ge!),_ to do whatever he wants with his hair _(pastel pink would look awesome in you, would you like me to dye it for you ge?)._ He won’t get jealous that easily _(don’t you think Yixing-ge looks so good without shirt?)._

LuHan knows that he wants to marry this boy. He’s the love of his life.

 

Except times like _these_.

They were talking on the phone, as a night routine. Everything was fine. Luhan was a bit tired because of his work. Accounting was really not that great after all. He just sits in front of the computer for so many hours in a row, entering numbers, hoping for it to magically work somehow (it usually doesn't).

And Sehun was excited because of the game trailer he sent to LuHan. Luhan wifi is always shitty. It’s not a surprise, his flat is surrounded by trees.

“Why the fuck does your wifi never seems to work, ge?”

“Because it doesn’t, you know how is it here, Sehun-ah”

_Are you blaming me for something I can't control?_

“How is that you pay expensive fees for a shitty service again, ge?”

_Is it really my fault?_

“Because it is how it is. The signal is not really good here, you already know that Sehun”

_Is there anything I can possibly do?_

“Alright, I won’t sent you anything ever again, this way we won’t get mad for stupid things that obviously annoy you”

_The solution is not avoiding the unpleasant situations, do you know?_

“Do as you want, Sehun. Let’s go to sleep already, it’s late”

“Goodnight, ge”

 Except LuHan can’t rest because suddenly he feels like spiraling down again.

 

_Times like these I wonder if Jongdae was right. Is it really everything my fault. Why does it always has to be me the one that fixes everything? Why can you put some effort into it? Why it always has to be up to me?_

He has to remind that he must actually deliver air to his lungs or he will faint. He doesn’t want Yixing waking up to find his stupid friend forgetting how to breathe.

Sehun and LuHan don't fight. They just have this kind of argues rarely. But they drain LuHan’s energy. It's overwhelming. Trying to come to terms with his own ideas and not disagreeing with Sehun’s at the same time.

_I don't have anything to do with it._

He doesn't have the heart to argue with Sehun. It's not in his nature to tell him he’s breaking him, taking him to the edge, he’s slowly suffocating LuHan. Something that remained rooted in him since the time he was dating Jongdae.

_You fix it, it's not my problem._

Yixing is still asleep in the other room while LuHan is wiping his tears, ready to leave his own bedroom and drink some tea. His phone vibrates.

 

_Stop, stop, stop._

LuHan knows that Sehun means it. He always looks so hurt whenever he causes LuHan pain, whenever he makes him cry for some stupid reason. LuHan reasons he's not that stupid to end this wonderful relationship because of something they can indeed talk and solve.

He knows he has to expose his case whenever they meet again.

 _I hate it when you get mad at me for something stupid. Something I didn’t even do. Something it wasn't even in my control. Something it's not my fault._ _I'm too tired to even argue once again. I'm not that self confident to raise my voice, not even when I’m with you. I’m just that afraid you’ll get mad with me. He just hurt me that much. I still have traumas. I still feel somehow you'll turn into that evil human being that hurt me, abused me for so long._

Sehun will understand him and reassure him it is alright. He’s still healing and Sehun won’t leave him. He loves him.

Yet LuHan still feels like he should apologise for everything.

_Sorry, I'm just so sorry._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♥


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